Not Letting Myself Down

This post is a promise kept to myself.

I often make decisions to avoid letting others down, sacrificing myself in the process. Even though I know the airplane oxygen mask analogy (you can't help others if you're not taking care of yourself), knowing a thing and internalizing it to act accordingly are two different things. This year I'll be 30 and I no longer want to continue unhealthy patterns I've lived out "in my twenties." I committed this year to doing things badly, being scared, and choosing to be proactive about pursuing things I want for myself.

I would prefer to post this once the blog is perfectly set up, with the background and fonts curated after careful research and analysis. However, I also want to post this, and if I wait until it's perfect, I will probably never do it. I can always find a reason not to do it today. Frankly, I can always find a reason not to do it at all.

Why a blog? I could probably do a vlog, but do I want the primary sounds my audience hears to be the screams, growls, meowing, and laughter of my children? (Also, I think that would involve putting on more of a face than just lotion and doing more with my hair than throwing it into a top knot, and I'm not yet put together enough to tackle that daily). I could probably keep a private diary, but where's the bravery and accountability in that?

Why the Cogitating Heifer?

1. conveniently, the title wasn't taken.
2. it's ridiculous, and I don't want to take myself, or this blog, too seriously
3. there are SO many wonderful puns to be enjoyed
4. some of the topics I plan to address here are topics I have been considering and reconsidering for some time, much like a bovine creature chews the cud and regurgitates it to chew it again
5. one of my passions lately has been training for a bikini competition and getting beefy

Why now?

Strangely, I'm grateful for the ICBM false alarm that happened here on January 13th. When we got the message that an ICBM was inbound, and this was not a drill, we were making breakfast together and it was a weekend my husband didn't have to work, so my nuclear family was together in one place. This is perhaps the only context in which you want the words nuclear, ICBM, and 'not a drill' in the same sentence. Unlike many who became afraid for what would happen, I'm grateful for the peace that comes with justification and total reliance on a sovereign God, as it kept us from panicking. My first thought was actually joy at the prospect of being freed from this world and joined with God forever, and my second thought was that I had only one regret: I have worked far too much lately.

Although I say 'regret', I try not to live with a backward focus, wishing things were different. Raised in the Christian tradition, I'm familiar with the tails of old testament characters used for God's glory in spite of the faults and foibles of men. Just yesterday, my Bible app had the first verse of the 105th Psalm as the verse of the day. A later portion of the Psalm sings the glory of God for his treatment of the nation of Israel through Joseph, of whom the author of Genesis states that what men intended for evil, God used for good.

I learned a lot from the job I'd been working for the past five and a half years, but the amount of stress I was experiencing and bringing into my family life was untenable. I used a lot of reasons to justify staying: pride in my work, setting a positive example for my children, contributing to our financial goals. But now, by the grace of God, and the provision of my husband through his hard work, I am able to quit my job and pursue other interests. I hope to be proud in the work I do at home, to set an example for my children that shows them they needn't be miserable in the work they choose for themselves, and to find new avenues for contributing to our financial goals through side hustles and efficiency.

So here's to publishing something I haven't read over 100 times to ensure it's free of grammatical errors, or unclear/imprecise content. I hope that somehow God will be glorified in my faulty, imperfect, scared endeavors. I also hope you enjoy chewing the cud with me. Welcome to the herd.