The Cogitating Heifer

Through some pretty passionate and frustrated conversations with my husband this month, I've come to discover that the source of most of the conflict in my life arises during times when I attempt to change reality by denying it. It's the swirling winds of a twister -- the meeting of hot and cold fronts that creates a tornado on the plains of my most important earthly relationship (with my husband). The collision of of what is really happening in my mind and body physiologically and what I want my thoughts and feelings to be. When my brain knows the rationale response but my pulse is already quickening and my face flushing with irritation, my own disgust with myself that I am not physiologically calm compounds my frustration to the point that I cannot disguise that I am unhappy with the situation. Inevitably, the person in the dialogue with me, not being privilege to my inner conflict and ensuing self-shaming monologue, feels as though the emotion written all over my face an...

I keep getting up to do other things and avoid writing this post, which is so ironic it's laughable. This post is about learning to do things badly and while scared to the point of paralysis. I had no fear whatsoever when we skydived. I was never worried we'd die because I had full confidence in the professionals with whom we were tandem jumping, full confidence in the pilot, the airplane, and the safety of the parachutes. People jump out of planes all the time and don't get hurt. If I weren't so lazy, I'd go research the statistics of people who get into cars every day and get injured or killed, versus the number of people who get seriously injured or die jumping out of airplanes. I imagine people are at much higher risk driving around in cars than they are jumping out of planes. I digress. I wasn't scared when I was in labor with my children because I had an amazing doula who prepared me to view it as an athletic experience, breathing through the pain of t...

When I quit my full-time job, I thought I would suddenly have 40-50 hours of time to fill with loads of other things. I created a Passion Board on a giant 24x36" white board (Thank you, Costco, for giant everything!) and outlined where those hours would go. Side Hustle 1, Side Hustle 2, bikini competition, homeschool, house projects, and development of myself and my marriage were all given slots with time and resource allocation projections. In the week since I quit, however, I've found myself wanting only to do a few of these things, and loathing the notion of feeling tied to the others. Because life requires us to do things we don't enjoy (case in point: just finished my taxes), do I force myself to continue with the things that I foresee bringing me no pleasure? Or are the potential benefits of doing them, and maybe gaining new skills -- and dare I hope, even enjoyment in the mastery? -- worth forcing myself to do them? Paul spoke of beating his body to master it and ...

This post is a promise kept to myself. I often make decisions to avoid letting others down, sacrificing myself in the process. Even though I know the airplane oxygen mask analogy (you can't help others if you're not taking care of yourself), knowing a thing and internalizing it to act accordingly are two different things. This year I'll be 30 and I no longer want to continue unhealthy patterns I've lived out "in my twenties." I committed this year to doing things badly, being scared, and choosing to be proactive about pursuing things I want for myself. I would prefer to post this once the blog is perfectly set up, with the background and fonts curated after careful research and analysis. However, I also want to post this, and if I wait until it's perfect, I will probably never do it. I can always find a reason not to do it today. Frankly, I can always find a reason not to do it at all. Why a blog? I could probably do a vlog, but do I want the primary...